“Connection is why we’re here. We are hardwired to connect with others. It is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives and without it, there is suffering.”
I’m the kind of person that really likes her alone time…sometimes too much. I especially want to be alone when I am sick, injured, or in emotional or psychological pain. In fact, some part of me is fully convinced that I don’t need anyone,
I.CAN.TAKE.CARE.OF.MYSELF!
At some point early in my own healing and recovery I learned about this truth Dr. Brown states in the quote above: people need people! But my intellectual understanding of the need for connection and my personal habit of intense self protection left me in this internal battle,
“I DON’T WANNA!”
Sounds young, right? Well, growing up means taking appropriate risks. As I did, my outer knowing (people need people) became an inner knowing…I needed people. As I found and created groups of other like minded, heart centered folks my personal healing was propelled by our collective energy. Whether I’m teaching; studenting; practicing with my meditation group; with family and friends; the group reflects my experience. In this shared experience, meaning is made. As we care for and serve each other, purpose is realized.
And our suffering eases. Reduces. Disappears.
In the ancient Tantric Yoga Kula’s, or spiritual communities, these groups rejected class, caste, and gender divisions (very progressive for their time in India’s strict hierarchical caste structure!) and they valued each individual’s autonomy; each individual’s healthy self boundaries; and honored a conscious community. So, no, not any old group will do. In fact, Tantric scholar Douglas Brooks writes,
“You become the company you keep, so keep good company.”
If you’ve ever spent time with a crowd that was bad for your health, you know this truth. Conscious, intentional communities seek to create the opposite effect. Here we chose to surround ourselves with people inspired to live well. Healing groups like A.A. (alcoholics anonymous) model the group’s power in its commitment to the community for sobriety and sanity. When we convince ourselves we need to be alone; we can do it all by ourselves; we aren’t “fit” for others; or any other unhelpful story our negatively biased mind churns up, we suffer. In hiding and avoiding we not only harm ourselves in isolation, we harm others in our absence.
Hold up, what? Yeah, here’s the catch…
When we recognize our relationships as reflective of ourselves we see clearly how harming others harms us, how harming ourselves harms others. This reality that I can only treat others as well as I treat myself plays out. For example, if I’m intolerant of A, B & C in myself, I’m not able to authentically express much care or compassion for A, B, & C in others. I’m reminded of Jesus’ teaching, “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” The lesson? We are all connected! And when we are disconnected, we suffer. If you want to be in meaningful relationships, do your yoga, fully come to know and love yourself, dwell in your autonomy, and honor your healthy boundaries. The group is only as strong as its members are autonomous. And in our shared experience, we see ourselves in each other. We are reminded that our conditioned minds can be bad news for our health and healing. We are reminded that we share the same need for love and belonging; that we are all breathed by the same breath of Grace; that
We are all ONE in the subtle presence we share.
In 1912 Emile Durkheim coined the phrase “Collective Effervescence” and described it as the experience of communal emotion and sense of sacredness when we are part of something greater. Where your focus shifts from self to the group. Researcher’s studied this effect and found that folks in community experienced more meaning, greater positive affect, less loneliness, greater social connection, and led happier and healthier lives. And all these effects lasted longer than the time spent together!
I invite you to:
- reach out. A phone call or zoom chat can make a big difference.
- make time to connect with friends and family that are supportive and nurturing.
- seek out or re-connect with groups you found uplifting in the past.
May you find good company to keep!
