Forgiveness Is Giving Up All Hope For A Better Past

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Lily Tomlin said it plainly,

“Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past.”

Each time I read this quote during my class on forgiveness the room lightens and laughs in recognition. It sounds so simple, but in practice we get so tied up in our regrets and resentments that forgiveness eludes us. It’s a tricky, sticky endeavor that ultimately requires faith. In the meantime, Bishop and theologin Desmond & his daughter, priest, author, and activist Mpho Tutu’s The Book of Forgiving has held my hand and unraveled my mind around forgiveness in some powerful ways.

“When we forgive we take back control of our fate and our feelings. We become our own liberators. We don’t forgive to help the other person. We don’t forgive for others. We forgive for ourselves. Forgiveness, in other words, is the best form of self interest. This is true both spiritually and scientifically.”

When I first read this I was aghast! We don’t forgive for others? We control our own feelings?

What was that forced march I had to take as a kid to “go apologize” while steaming with the shame of hurting some else’s feelings? And falling into the pit of blame for my own feelings…”you hurt my feelings” which led me to believe it was always someone else’s fault. Until it wasn’t, and then I’d blame and shame myself for being a jerk, pushing that part of myself into a dark corner to be “forgotten.” Except that doesn’t work. Yoga teaches us that this shaming and blaming and avoiding the unlikeable parts of ourselves only results in our own haunting…these patterns of behavior continue to arise and play out until we become aware of them. Face them. Accept them. Yoga is a path of the Self. Of coming to know all the parts of yourself. Total self interest! This can lead us to become conscious and aware and make space for the shadows to be “enlightened” as they say. To be “liberated.” Liberated from what? From our own minds! From regret and resentment. From suffering. From being the victim of our life experiences.

So how is forgiveness the “best form of self interest spiritually?”

Your heart, your spirit, longs for unity. But your head, your mind, longs to be right. Spirituality is the recognition that there is something greater than the small self. You might call this Divine intelligence; God(dess); Nature; the Universe. It is expansive, open, accepting, and forgiving. When you learn how to accept yourself; to allow your mistakes to teach you how to grow and learn, rather than using them to beat yourself up. When you can release regret and resentment, your mind becomes more open and clear. Your emotions can move through and your body eases. A clarity and expansiveness can arise within you and you can do what needs to be done. You can accept reality. You can forgive your mistakes. You can take responsibility for your own emotions. In this, you become spacious for your own experience, and by default, for others. You can forgive.

So how is forgiveness the “best form of self interest scientifically?”

It turns out that regrets are energetically expensive. In the short term, they do provide some quick relief from the pain of our suffering. We can blow that pain onto the other with blame and bypass what we are really feeling. Blame releases the pressure valve, but does not make space for the completion of the hurt we are experiencing. In the long term, regret and resentment are expensive! They increase stress; anxiety; depression; blood pressure; and heart rate. They dampen the immune system; interrupt sleep; and can harm our relationships. The science shows us that the more forgiving you are, the more quickly you heal. But why is it so hard? Author, speaker, and modern day mystic Carolyn Myss writes,

“Forgiveness is a mystical, not a logical command. It makes no sense to the reasoning mind because the reasoning mind is incapable of forgiveness. Ultimately you have to turn to the power of Grace to break through the boundaries of your reason. Forgiveness is of the heart. It is a self initiated act of transformation, of  retrieving your spirit from the dead zone of past hurts and traumas and unfinished business.”

Essentially, forgiveness is a Spiritual act. It requires faith and openness.

Forgiveness asks you to widen your perspective and open your heart. To feel your pain fully. In that process you are transformed into a more expansive version of yourself. You become a vessel that allows life to move through you, rather than contracting and fighting against reality. Fighting against what has already happened. Resisting life. You are asked to accept that you can’t change the unchangeable. How? Cultivate a relationship with that which is greater than you. Walk in nature. Sky gaze. Read the wisdom teachings. Meditate. Make the time to BE. Take the time to feel. It is a process and a practice you walk each day.

Yoga has helped me walk this path in immeasurable ways. The Book of Forgiving continues to support me on this journey. My teacher Dr. Kavitha Chinnaiyan, without whom I know nothing about yoga, opens my eyes to reality every day. May you find a hand (or two or three!) to hold on the journey too!

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Remember: this post is for informational purposes only and may not be the best fit for you and your personal situation. It shall not be construed as medical advice. The information and education provided here is not intended or implied to supplement or replace professional medical treatment, advice, and/or diagnosis. Always check with your own physician or medical professional before trying or implementing any information read here.